Sometimes we think that finding a life partner will solve a lot of our problems…and in fact it probably will momentarily…but what will come in it’s place…
Yes sure, having a man or woman in your life might mean you don’t have to eat dinner alone, or cook every night (if at all). It could halve or solve financial burdens, or help you to feel good about yourself…
But if deep down these are the reasons for your mate selection then you’ll only be replacing one (or more) problems for even bigger ones. Because if you’re inner intention is not love-based, (the selfless act of giving, not receiving), conflict or dissatisfaction ensues as that person cannot live up to your expectations to solve those problems.
As an example; you feel stressed or trapped by your financial situation, so surely a partner will help lessen that burden or remove it from your life altogether. So you find someone worthy of providing for you only to find that you are now trapped in a different way, a much bigger way, because you are now reliant on keeping this person in order to live (whether you like them or not). Resentment grows when one or both parties feel trapped, and so your initial feeling of lack gets magnified tenfold.
Another big one I see all the time is when a person needs a partner in order to feel better about themself. Again in the beginning while love is new and hot and exciting the self confidence is booming and you’re getting exactly what you hoped for. But passion and attraction does fade (or dim slightly) and for someone who’s got low self esteem issues this is a huge warning sign that they are losing their value with this person. Controlling behaviour then sets in, or constant nagging for reassurance. Over time this leads to anxiety and often paranoia in the person seeking attention, and feelings of being trapped for the other person who will eventually withdraw or leave. This massively exacerbates the initial need for reassurance, fuelling feelings of unworthiness.
Or even the most simplest; just wanting someone to share your space with so you don’t have to eat alone, wash dishes by yourself or have things to do. But if you are doing it just for those reasons you may end up with someone you don’t even like that much. Now you’re feeling even more alone because lonely is even worse when you have someone in your life that you feel doesn’t love you for who you are.
So if you’re yearning for that someone special, that is a beautiful thing. Just check your reasons for wanting this so much and make sure you tackle the underlying destructive ones before finding yourself in a relationship that will help you do just that (tackle your issues!). Because that is the HARD route. You will still get there but by creating a lot of drama for yourself.
The unworthy person will continue to attract people that treat them badly, or who withdraw, so that hopefully after enough experiences of cheating, lying, deceiving, aloofness, will start to look inwards instead of outwards to improve their sense of worth.
The person wanting financial stability will attract money hungry people or those who sacrifice all to get their money (there are many other examples) but essentially after a while this person realises money is not the route to peace or happiness. That being with someone you don’t love or who doesn’t love you is worse than having financial comfort. Once this realisation has set in it’s easier to attract someone with the same inner quality who values relationships before material possessions.
The lonely person will attract similar people who have something deep inside them missing and so will never quite feel fulfilled with any partners. But after enough time with this type of person will also begin to look inwards for self comfort, self peace and will begin to love their own company finding that missing part they were looking for in someone else….love of Self.
This is not about showing the world that you don’t need anyone. That too is a form of control. If I don’t need anyone, I won’t get hurt.
This is about not placing expectations of your happiness on anyone else but you. Make a list of those things your partner is doing “wrong”,.
How have you contributed to this?
What expectations did you place on him/her to lead to this?
How can you change your perspective and expectations so that you fill that need yourself; only seeking and giving love to the other person without a need for anything in return?
This is all part of your soul’s purpose on this planet. To master self love. Everyone who is pissing you off or not doing what you expect is only helping you with that – especially those “jerks” who did you “wrong” *cheeky grin*
So take a little peek inside and love what you see.
I do.
Your meditatingmama
-Happiness Coach